“A true story of what happens when I ask for what I need”
We’ve been working on a new website for some weeks now. As can happen, things were running late and now this week – when I have been struck with my very own body, mind, laptop & wifi shutdown – the designer wants everything!
I have developed an aversion to being put under pressure and stressing over meeting deadlines. Too many years in corporate finance cured me of that. Or had it?
Kate very politely and yet insistently kept asking me for this and that and the next thing. All very reasonable on an intellectual level. Yet everything and I mean, yes, everything: body, mind, laptop, wifi, the lot was in full rebellion to HAVING to do anything.
My old pattern of wanting to please and deliver on time still played out in me though. And it kept whispering in my head,
“Just push through. Come on do it. Get it done and then you can rest.”
Really laying the feeling guilty icing on the cake and making me feel even yuckier than I did already. Very determined I got up yesterday morning to DO just that. Get it done.
Not a chance. My body felt depleted, disorientated and weak and my laptop battery literally sent middle finger raised messages and promptly overheated my machine. So a no go.
Today it went in for repairs and I had space and time to rest. And just be. Something I am trying to cultivate more of.
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When Kate messaged me again asking for what was needed I replied:
“I know our designer is pushing. And I’m giving myself permission not to. Not today.”
This simple line sent me into agonies. Could I do that? Was I letting her down? She works so hard? Am I doing enough? This is a new business; shouldn’t I go the extra mile? Etcetera etcetera and blah blah blah went my mind. Maybe you recognise the pattern.
But this is the very subject Kate and I have been over the last month. So I centred myself quietly into my body, took some deep breaths and from a place of owning what I needed in this moment sent that message, “I’m giving myself permission not to. Not today.”
Her reply changed everything for me:
“I love you,” she said without hesitation. “Thank you for being so clear about your needs. That’s perfect.” And then suggesting what we could do in the interim followed by, “Yes to taking care of yourself. Thank you for being clear about what you need. Again, there is no rush. I want you to take care of yourself more than I need a blog.”
And I noticed this:
Immediately, in that moment of being acknowledged, of being seen and met in my need to rest, I was released. The lethargy vanished.
Clarity came to share this micro moment of learning and relearning and practicing and practicing again, the skill to give myself what I need and take full responsibility for how I do that regardless of how it may be received by others.
And hey, out poured this blog.
Onto a laptop with a new battery and lease on life, through fingers and from a heart feeling glowingly warmed…
…because my friend and business partner could meet, love and accept me in the midst of me taking care of myself first and the work second.
It feels like a radical win-win.
If you’re curious to find out more about this topic of noticing what I need and then giving it to myself as well as noticing all the obstacles I put in the way of that, then we invite you to join us on EXPLORATIONS.
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