I find myself sitting outside in the warm air, breeze playing gently on my skin. I needed nature this morning, after what felt like a night of tumultuous dreaming and not deep sleep. I am making a bigger effort to pay attention to what it is I need this morning.
Writing has always been a useful tool for me to put down on paper all of which is moving in me. Today it is this blog rather than my journal.
I am feeling this curious mix of softness and overwhelm, and this morning when I woke and noticed the sensations, I was quick to ask myself what I needed to support me today.
This is a beautiful noticing as this is what Lorienne and I have been practicing in our latest Exploration . . . Join us HERE
The response, the thought, the understanding which became clear was to be gentle.
Which sometimes is not the easiest thing to do when you are feeling like you have an almighty long to do list.
What could I do, what action could I take to be gentle with myself? Firstly, it was to sit outside and drink my tea in the quiet. Not to rush into my day.
What was the kindest thing I could do for myself, to honour my need for gentleness?
As I was sitting drinking tea, checking my phone. Only half way to gentleness at this point, I was still running my to-do list through my head and wanting to tick off some of my tasks.
I became aware of this deep knowing or sense in my body, a sensory experience, gentleness for me is an internal state of being. It has a quality of restfulness and care. It is soft and undefended. It is also clear and unrushed.
To acknowledge that gentleness is not rest and taking time out, although that may be what I need.
Gentleness is a state of being where the inside of myself is quiet enough to hear what I need, to listen and pay attention to what is alive in me.
In fact, for me gentleness is not a doing thing at all. It has everything to do with how I am being, and if gentleness can live inside me as a state of being then how interact with the world becomes a new experience.
If I can seep my cells in care and kindness, if I can submerge myself in this softness and openness which this state of gentleness evokes in me. I feel as though I can meet and engage with the world from a place of tenderness and acceptance of what is happening in the moment.
I feel like I can hold more, more contrasting feelings, without defending against any of it. That there can be an okayness and an unease fully present in me at the same time, not needing to fix it or change it. And allowing whatever feelings are arising to point in a direction I may or may not want to go.
